I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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