if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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