Will you blow on my dice?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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