epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You are the jesus of drinking
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
