i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
