i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
