guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
