That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
