She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
