eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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