Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
