well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
