Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
