i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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