how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
