I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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