I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
