All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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