While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
