Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
