Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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