You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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