i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
