she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
