oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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