The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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