Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
