Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
