I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
