why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
