There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
