Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
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He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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