The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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