And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
