i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
