Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
