He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
