i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
