and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
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I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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