she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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