She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
