It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
did i just pee glitter
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize