I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
