ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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