Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we made out on top of his cat.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
