So drunk its hurt
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
