I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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