You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
