I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
