i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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