hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
