I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can't trust your balls anymore.