I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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